Monday, October 9, 2017

Day 9: Affirmations to combat Impostor Syndrome

I was once afraid of people saying,
"Who does she think she is?"
Now I have the courage to stand and say,
"This is who I am."
~ Oprah Winfrey

Last year my physical biorhythm was at an all-time low.

I am normally healthy. I'm sick only once a decade. And while I am not in top physical shape, I consider myself reasonably fit.

But last year I visited the emergency room twice in the course of five months.

The first time was January 10th. It was a Sunday night like any other Sunday night. We ordered pizza for dinner. I helped myself to a slice in the kitchen and then made my way downstairs to the family room.

Now the family room is also known as the dog room. We had a yellow lab and a basset hound. A baby gate at the foot of the stairs ensured they would not roam the house. While we could unlatch the gate to enter the room, it was easier to climb over it. We had all done it hundreds of times before.

But this time was different.

I lifted my left leg over the gate no problem. But as I tried to balance the pizza and lift the right leg over, I could tell I misjudged the distance. I tried to will the leg back over the fence. I tried to catch myself mid-air. But all attempts were in vain.

I fell hard on the concrete slab.

At first, I felt more embarrassed than pain. When I finally lifted my head and saw my arm at an unnatural angle, I knew I was in trouble.

To make a long story short - I broke my left humerus and fractured my left hip. I now have a rod in my arm and three screws in my hip to remind me of the incident.

After three months of physical therapy, I was nearly as good as new... until June 26th when I managed to trip over the basset in the kitchen and fracture my right humerus.

Ironically... my word for 2016 was FUN. God's sense of humor never ceases to amaze me.

Why do I feel the need to tell this story?

Because last year I learned the value of physical therapy. I learned muscle atrophy is not repaired in just a few sessions. I learned muscle memory requires repetition of movement. I learned diligence is key - for if I skipped more than a day of daily exercises, my arm stiffened and I had to work twice as hard the next day.

As I read these affirmations for today I find myself asking: Haven't I already covered this issue? Don't I get it yet? I need to learn to accept myself and forget what others think.

But Delilah's voice is relentless. Sometimes daily repetition is not enough to combat her paralyzing remarks. Sometimes I need to repeat truth every hour on the hour.

After the second accident, I was discouraged. I felt stupid and incompetent. How could I trip over a dog? As a result, I was not as diligent with exercises. And I paid the price. To this day my arm is not 100%.

I can't expect to overturn decades of Delilah taunts with just a few simple recitations. This will take time. I must be diligent. For if I refuse to engage in daily active combat, her voices will gain a stronger foothold. And she can't have the final say.

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings
or of God? Or am I trying to please people?
If I were still trying to please people, 
I would not be a servant of Christ.
Galatians 1:10 (NIV)

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