Wake up call...

This morning I followed my typical routine:  awake at 5:00AM - secure a hot cup of coffee before heading downstairs to let the dogs out of their crates - turn on the news (mostly for background noise and to notice the weather so that I know how to dress for the day) - and begin writing.

I usually start with my morning pages (750 words), move on to my devotion reading plans at You Version, and then proceed to the writing prompts of Project 137.  By this time it is usually time to return upstairs and prepare for the day.

This morning was typical is all those ways until....I read one of Patti Digh's prompts:

Capture six moments today when you felt fully alive

This may not be such a difficult writing assignment for many of you, but it stopped me in my tracks.  SIX?!  I'm not sure I could name one moment a day when I feel fully alive.  And that got me to thinking....

• What does it mean to be "fully live"?
• How long have I simply "existed" - going through the motions of the daily routines without really engaging in life?
• Have I lived such a dormant lifestyle that revival to a "fully alive" is state possible --- I would settle for once a day, but is it really possible to achieve that status six times in a 24-hour period?
• How can I begin to add "fully alive" activities to my day and/or change my attitude towards the mundane activities so that I fully engage in the moment?

I have not had time to answer any of these questions yet - but I plan to spend some serious time contemplating each one. In the mean time, I would be curious to hear your thoughts on this subject.

If not now.....when?

I took an online writing class this summer, VerbTribe, offered by the author of Life is a Verb, Patti Digh.  For those of you unfamiliar with that book (I offered a series of writing prompts about two years ago based on its contents)....it was born out of the death of her step-father.  He was diagnosed with cancer and told he had just a few months to live -- 37 days later, he was gone.  Since that time, 37 days has become a significant demarkation of time in Patti's life, and she asks her readers this basic question:  If you knew you only had 37 days left to live (and truly who knows how many days we have left) - how would you live your life?

On the day of our final VerbTribe conference call this summer, Patti's husband was diagnosed with cancer.  One week later Patti turned 53 years old --- the age of her father when he passed away - and her eldest daughter turned 20, the age Patti was when her dad passed.  In addition, Patti had submitted the manuscript of her newest book to her editor just one week prior to the diagnosis.  The topic?  Grief and Loss.  An amazing set of coincidences, don't you agree?

So Patti has decided to do what she does best and write - documenting events, thoughts, feelings and insights.  In the process of sorting through all these changes in life, Patti discovered that there are exactly 137 days from her birthday until New Year's Eve.  Another coincidence (?)

And Patti has decided to use this opportunity to build community.  She is now offering an online course, Project 137, where we can join her on this journey of self-discovery through writing prompts from now until December 31.  The cost is whatever you choose to give - and ALL proceeds go towards medical bills, which are overwhelming due to the fact that they are currently un-insured!

I realize that this course may not be for everyone - but if you are at all interested, I urge you to check it out and consider it.  The writing prompts are thought-provoking, and the donation is for a great cause.

In the meantime....I want to share the prompt from the first day.  I am still thinking about it - and the truth contained - and how I can begin to take those first steps toward living fully:


For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time to still be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.             -Alfred d'Souza

Suffice it to say...I think I have been waiting a long time for life to get perfect before I start living - and I have missed the point.  I used to think, when the children were young, that I would start living when....

• they would sleep through the night (and truthfully, I am a more functional human being when I have had 6-8 hours of uninterrupted sleep).  
• Then it became, I would start living when they all would be in school.  
• Then I thought I would start living when we entered the empty-nest phase of life.  

But guess what?  With each phase of life there comes joys - and there comes sorrows; there is a renewed sense of freedom on the one hand, and newfound responsibilities on the other.  As I have been reminded several times this summer during my devotional readings:

If you wait until the wind and the weather are just right, you will never plant anything and never harvest anything.              (Ecclesiastes 11:4 - Good News Translation)

No, life is not perfect, but life is good.  And it is time to start living --- because if not now, when?!

Life is a Verb: Week 8

I began this weekly meme at the beginning of summer when I read the book by Patti Digh.  I found many of her statements so thought-provoking, that I decided to embark on a summertime quest to get to know myself better.  Some of you indicated that you have enjoyed taking this journey with me, so I decided to go ahead and post today's exercise.

As many of you know who have been reading my blog lately, I am trying to stretch my creative wings this summer. Well, in all honesty, I am first trying to emerge from the cocoon in which I have been hibernating for several decades, and then I will begin to stretch the new-found wings.  I have started to teach myself art appreciation; learn how to compose a decent photograph; dust off old scrapbook supplies and put them to use again; try my hand at artistic expression through doodling; and, of course, continue to pursue the path of creative writing.

The more I read non-fiction books on this subject (I just recently finished this week The Creative Habit, If You Want to Write, and Bird by Bird), the more I am learning about my own voice (or, as Twyla Tharp calls it, my Creative DNA).  And while I will still pursue the challenge of writing a fictional story, I believe my true voice lies in creative non-fiction.  

I found it interesting that this week's exercise incorporates this writing endeavor.

Here is a creative non-fiction story prompt.  Think of a yearning that you have....use these story prompts to write about that yearning (each prompt is to be one paragraph).  This will help to identify the yearning, as well as the obstacles that might be standing in the way - whether perceived or real. (page 174 of the Intention section).

• Once upon a time....
• Every day....
• But one day.....
• Because of that....
• Because of that....
• Because of that....
• Until finally.....
• Ever since then.....

I would be curious if any of you choose to indulge in this exercise.  If you do, and you wish to share, please leave me a link to your non-fiction story in the comments section.  I would love to hear what you are yearning to do - and how you plan to overcome those real or imaginary obstacles that always seems to stand in our way.

Life is a Verb: Week 7

I began this weekly meme at the beginning of summer when I read the book by Patti Digh.  I found many of her statements so thought-provoking, that I decided to embark on a summertime quest to get to know myself better. I wonder if perhaps this meme has outlived its usefulness, however,  Last week's post did not seem to resonate with many of you, and this week's personal issues have put my writing/contemplative life on hold.

My mom was hospitalized again on Friday - released on Tuesday - showing signs of mental strain on Wednesday.  I seem to be pulled in many directions and none are conducive to self-discovery.  I will quickly post the meditative question for the week, but not sure I will be able to give any kind of response.

Sometimes taking flight means letting go; letting go takes faith; faith takes letting go; it all requires wings....This year I needed to let go of a project I had been holding on to, one that was lucrative, but deflected my attention from my real work.  I needed to really let it go, not pretend to let it go, or hold on to vestiges of it to keep me comfortable (page 147 in the Intuition section)

Is there something "good" that you are holding on to that is perhaps keeping you from experiencing something "great"?  This truly deserves meditative thought - and I will try to do so later this week (hopefully)....

Life is a Verb: Week 6

Life is a Verb Thursday is a weekly meme that I have chosen to do this summer after being inspired by Patti Digh's book.  Last week I was forced to look at myself in the mirror and rather than bemoan the fact that I was "trying to find" my voice - realize that I do have a voice and I need to instead decide what I want to say.  

While I think the "search for my voice" is a life-long pursuit and I do not have a pat answer ready to give, I do think that at this point in my life my primary message is this:  we all have more choices than we realize.  Oftentimes we do not have the choice in what life hands us (an unexpected miscarriage or the loss of a job), but we always have a choice in how we will respond to that particular situation.  

Reaction vs Response.  One is immediate, subjective in nature, emotionally driven, out of our control, and often counter productive.  The other is deliberate, objective, thoughtful, restrained, and often beneficial to mind, body and soul.  The majority of my life prior to turning fifty was spent in a reactionary state.  I hope to spend the remaining years in  response mode.

This week's topic can be summed up in that simple phrase:  Leap of Faith.  The author began this section with a childhood anecdote.  We all remember first grade recess and congregating on the school playground.  Some of us went to the swings, some to the see-saw, some more adventuresome types played on the jungle gym, and the most daring of all raced to the monkey bars.  

Click on photo to take you to
commons.wikimedia.org

Do you remember the first time you tried to go across the monkey bars?  Climbing up the steps to the bars was a piece of cake, and reaching up to grab hold of the first bar was not the challenge.  In fact, I would often stretch as far as I could to try to grab hold of the second bar right off the bat, because that gave me the edge of being that much closer to the other side.  No, the challenge was letting go with one hand, twisting your body in mid-air, and grabbing the next rung before strength gave out and you fell to your doom.  In hindsight this does not seem like that big of a deal - I mean, what is the worst that can happen?  But I distinctly remember my imagination taking over and I was afraid that I would break an arm, or a leg, or at the very least be the butt of classroom jokes for the afternoon.  Letting go of that bar can be a very courageous thing to do.

So here is the meditation for this week:

Today - not tomorrow - is the day to jump...I'm talking jump, not "bungee" or "fall," the latter an accident, toe other a deliberate and conscious leap.  If you make gravity your friend, falling after a jump is some kind of validation, not failure.  Jumping isn't the same as falling, no.  We fall all the time, subject to forces outside us (we think, we rationalize, we blame).  Oddly, most times we fall by not jumping.  Today is the day to surprise gravity, let go of the monkey bars, fling....fling....(bold my own added effect.  found on page 139 of the intuition section)

I remember a book I read several  years ago now that continues to prove profound for me.  It was Dale Carnegie's classic, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living.  To sum up that entire book in one sentence, I learned this:  in any given situation ask yourself, 'What is the worse that can happen?'  Now you are prepared.   Very rarely does the worse ever happen, and even if it does, it can no longer catch you off guard.   This has helped me to learn to think more rationally, which also helps me to respond rather than react.

Life is a Verb: Week 5

The simple definition for verb in grammar is that it is the action word in the sentence.  So if I were to extrapolate this a bit I could say rather than Life is a Verb --- Life is Action.  And if that is the case, then I have definitely lived this week!  

Geoff and I managed to get on the road around 4:30pm on Thursday afternoon.  We arrived in St. Louis around 9:30 Thursday night and both of us were asleep by 10:00!  However, we got up bright and early the next morning and were walking into the St. Louis Zoo by 8:30am.  What a wonderful zoo!  While we paid $11.00 for parking, admission to the zoo is free -- quite a bargain in the 21st Century.  We tons of animals and I took about 250 pictures - but my all time favorite exhibit is the Penguins!  You can't help but smile looking at these carefree birds in their formal wear.

We then drove to the Hill section of St. Louis - the Italian neighborhood, as it were.  Oh my - this took us back in time to the "old" neighborhood of Bridgeport, CT where all the cookie cutter houses lined the streets and each neighborhood had its own local deli, bakery, and restaurant.  We had great fun walking around the area, catching the National Bocci Ball Tournament, and buying authentic Genoa salami, scamorza, and Italian cookies by the pound.

The drive from St. Louis to Chicago was about five hours - but due to construction it took close to six.  We arrived late Friday night and once again, were fast asleep within 30 minutes of our arrival.  On Saturday we visited the Art Institute of Chicago and I was in Heaven.  We spent about five hours at the museum, which wasn't nearly long enough to see all that I had hoped to see, but long enough to give me sensory overload.  I have decided that I would like to become a member of the museum.  You are allowed free admission for two adults and that way we could visit the city over a long weekend and spend a couple of hours one day looking at the European paintings, a couple of hours another day looking at the American paintings, and a couple of hours a third day viewing contemporary art.

Steve Jordan - Niko Bolas - Brian

The highlight of Chicago was to visit our son in action.  He was in the city from Nashville to record some well-known artists at the legendary Chess Records Studio.  Geoff and I were allowed to visit for about an hour where we saw Steve Jordan (drummer for John Mayer), Pino Palladino, Tamio Okuda, Ron Wood (guitarist for Rolling Stones), and Hubert Sumlin (retired guitarist from Muddy Waters).  While I am not familiar with any of these musicians, I must admit that it was fascinating to watch them just sit around and jam for fifteen of twenty minutes.  While I took several pictures of the musicians in action, I must confess that I took just as many photos of my own son.  In my book, he was the TRUE star of the group.

I have already recounted our trip home via Field of Dreams, which was one of the best parts of the weekend.  It was a short trip, but very eventful and at the same time, somewhat relaxing.  It was wonderful to get away.

So while this week did not focus on the posted topic, I did attempt to get out there and LIVE life - not just be content with a passive response.  I am still ruminating the thought of taking care of me first - so that I have the resources available to take care of others.  Old habits die hard, and while this appears to smack of selfishness, I am learning that there is truth in these words.  I thank you all for your kind responses last week; they have helped immensely.

This week's meditation is short, sweet, and sassy:

My friend Pat spoke...."I'm so sick and tired of middle-aged white women saying they need to find their voice.  I've heard that a million times.  I just have one question for you:  If you did have a voice, what would you say?"  (page 127 - Intimacy section)

WOW --- that kinda puts me in my place, doesn't it?!

Life is a Verb: Week 4

Life is a Verb Thursday is a summertime meme that I have decided to follow as a result of reading the book by Patti Digh.  I found that book to have so many profound statements of how to live - that I have decided to meditate on one statement each week during my three months of summer vacation.


Last week's meditation caused us to ponder what are our TRUE goals....to fit into the pair of jeans of our youth, or to recapture the lifestyle that those jeans represent?  I think for me the issue is not to recapture my past, but rather to seek a realistic future.  I have always tried to live my life without regrets, and for the most part, I can look back over the past 50 years and say that I made the best decisions I could with the information I had at the time.  Hindsight is always 20/20, but I cannot look back at the past with the knowledge I have today; that is not fair. I can, however, look at the future with the knowledge I have today and attempt to make wise choices.  


I think for me it is not my old pair of jeans that I try to wear again, but it is someone else's jeans that I want to fit.  I need to learn to be satisfied with ME - to not compare myself with others for I will always find those who are better.  I need to accept who I am; discover my God-given strengths and talents and learn to develop them; learn to become the best me I can, and know that there is purpose for my life.


This week's devotion is something that has been in the back of my mind since summer began:  selfishness.  What is it, really?  Is it ever ok to think of yourself first?


Again, a bit of back story.  This segment began by a retelling of the canned speech flight attendants give before take-off.  You know the one....in case of an emergency, the oxygen mask will drop from the ceiling.  If you are traveling with a young child, please make sure to cover your face first, then take care of the younger passengers.

We don't put ourselves first for fear of being called selfish.   Not to our face, of course, but in those quiet moments when people make infallible pronouncements about others, the kind that allow for now ambiguity....Sometimes I wonder if taking care of others - saving others - isn't simply a diversion from saving ourselves.  If I focus on you, I don't have to focus on myself.  And maybe saving others deprives them of their own agency....Nurturing my own self first in order to be better able to help others - what would this look like?  (page 119 in the Intimacy section)

For those of you who have been following my blog lately, you know that I have been taking care of my mother for the past two weeks.  While this did not come as a surprise, it was not a welcomed interruption to my summer vacation.  I was hoping to be a little selfish this summer; after all, my youngest is now a senior in high school and very independent; I was not going to be involved in academic pursuits; I did not have a summer job.  This was going to be the first summer off in five years.  The above quote is one that is quite timely for me this week.  I hope that you can related to it on some level as well.

Life is a Verb: Week 3

Life is a Verb Thursday is a summertime meme that I have decided to follow as a result of reading the book by Patti Digh.  I found that book to have so many profound statements of how to live - that I have decided to meditate on one statement each week during my three months of summer vacation.

Last week I focused on the concept of perfection and why we often have the unrealistic expectation that we need to do something perfectly the first time, when in reality it is only through practice (and analysis of what we need to do differently the next time) that truly allows us to perfect our craft.

In my journaling of this topic I realized that I have a very warped definition of the word "practice"  To me practice has always had very negative connotations, that is, I have internalized "you need to practice" with "you are not good enough"  OR...."you need to practice" with "you cannot do anything fun until you finish practicing"  I have decided that I need to wipe the mental slate clean.  I need to remove these negative connotations and replace them with truth.  Practice is not to be viewed as punishment; it is quite simply a journey.

Also, I have learned that I need to remove the word "perfect" from my vocabulary.  I have always associated these two terms together, as in "Practice makes Perfect" but for a perfectionist -- there is no such thing as absolute perfection for there is always room for improvement.  Instead, this perfectionist needs to modify that expression to something along the lines of "Practice yields Improvement - but also allows for joy in the journey."  Anyway, that is what I am going to strive to do the remaining weeks of the summer.

This week's meditation requires some back story.  Patti Digh spends quite a bit of time telling us that she has kept the same pair of jeans in her closet since high school.  She thinks that these jeans will serve as proper motivation to lose weight.  One day her incredibly fit and trim adolescent daughter comes to her complaining that she has no clothes to wear.  On a whim Ms. Digh gives her this prized pair of jeans and tells her she can have them.  A few minutes later the daughter returns with the jeans in hand saying that they are "too small."  Patti is dumbfounded!  She has berated herself for decades that she has gained too much weight only to discover that the jeans do not even fit her well-proportioned daughter.

So, with that anecdote in mind, here is the statement to ponder over this next week:

Why do we punish ourselves with unreasonable expectations, putting life on hold until we reach them?  What is the real danger of such pressures?  They delay living, the real life  in front of us.  "I'll do that when...." we say to ourselves.  "I can't do that now because I haven't yet done this...."  Are the jeans the real goal, or is the simpler, more active life, a less stressful way of living, a life unencumbered?  Perhaps those are goals to be reached for, not the jeans."  (page 113 in Intimacy section)

This is even more timely now than it was a month ago when I first read it.  My mom is still in the hospital and constantly bemoaning the fact that she cannot do the same things that she was once able to accomplish.  For the last five years my mom has chosen not to live in the present, but simply to exist.  I do NOT want to make these same choices in life.  I want to learn to live in the present - in the here and now - and enjoy all that life has to offer.  So I ask you, and me, What undue pressures are we putting on ourselves today that need to be removed in order to experience joy and peace?

Life is a Verb: Week 2

Life is a Verb Thursday began last week when I reviewed the book by Patti Digh.  I was so taken with some of the thought-provoking statements she made, that I have decided to focus on one statement per week during my summer vacation.

Last week she discussed the fact that five-year-olds are totally uninhibited and claim to have all kinds of abilities: they can paint and dance and sing; they are smart and funny and creative.  But something happens between the ages of five and eighteen and all of a sudden our sense of adventure and self-confidence dwindles.  If we cannot do something well - I mean nearly perfect - then we tell ourselves that we can't do it at all.  Why is this?  I hope you were able to discover some falsehoods about this statement this week and have vowed to dismiss the tyranny of perfectionism and instead welcome the joy of experimentation.

This week I will focus on the statement that deals with perfectionism and a fear of failure:

...Art and Fear brings us the story of a pottery teacher who tells half his class they'll be graded solely on the quantity of the work they produce.  He'll even use a scale to weigh their output and determine their grade.  Fifty pounds of pots would rate an A, for example.  The other half would be graded on quality and need only produce one pot - a perfect one - to get an A.   

"The works of highest quality," the authors reported, "were all produced by the group being graded for quantity...while they were busily churning out piles of work - and learning from their mistakes - the quality group had sat theorizing about perfection, and in the end had little more to show for their efforts than grandiose theories and a pile of dead clay."  (page 66 of the Inclusion section).

Oh my ... does this hit home with me!  I want to write - not for the purpose of being published but more for the joy of writing (and the academic and creative challenge).  And yet I have such grandiose expectations of myself (even after Anne Lamott has told me that all writers produce sh*tty first drafts) that I don't even start. I would never expect to play the piano perfectly after just one lesson; or to know my multiplication facts after the first day; or to compete in the US Open after my first week of tennis.  Why do I expect to write (or paint or draw or sing or take pictures or ......) without lots of practice? What if I knew that the number of pages written a week/month/year would net me the "A" in writing?  Being the goal driven person that I am I would most definitely write the minimum number of pages for the A -- plus two extra for good measure.  So why can't I do this on my own?  Why am I so afraid of failure -- when I am not even sure that "failure" exists?

What is holding you back from trying something new - from daring to take that interest to the next level - from fulfilling your heart's desire?

Life is a Verb: Review and Summertime Meme

I have a rather "unique" perspective of the world.  One day I was talking to a colleague explaining my view on weekends.  I told him that my favorite part of the weekend is Friday night.  The week is officially over, and I have two full days to look forward to.  Friday night is full of possibilities.  But once Saturday morning arrives I usually have added a few chores and errands to the weekend time.  And when Sunday comes I am busy preparing lesson plans and grading papers.  So really...for me...Friday night is the ultimate weekend day and I almost consider the weekend over by the time Saturday night rolls around.

I know, rather warped, but it is who I am.  And so when I was considering when to offer this weekly summer meme, I thought perhaps Thursdays would be best for me:  the day before that gloriously free  Friday night.  The day that I might begin to dream of fun weekend possibilities, rather than weekly responsibilities.  So there you have it...the Life is a Verb Thursday has officially started.

Why Life is a Verb?  This is a book written by Patti Digh in 2008 in response to the death of her stepfather.  Here is the description from the back of the book:

The death of her stepfather just 37 days after being diagnosed with cancer woke Patti Digh up, scared her, and made her examine her own life.  She realized that living your best life doesn’t mean ditching your job and sailing around the world – it means living each individual, glorious, simple day with more intention.

Patti has decided to challenge herself - and the rest of us - to live our lives as if we only had 37 days left (I keep hearing the Tim McGraw song "Live Like You Are Dying" playing in background).  In pondering this subject, she has discovered six core practices for living life without regret (and for those of us who like alliteration - she has conveniently found a way for them all to start with 'I" since our lives begin with us):

• Say Yes (Intensity)
• Be Generous (Inclusion)
•  Speak Up (Integrity)
•  Love More (Intimacy)
• Trust Yourself (Intuition)
• Slow Down (Intention)

She has several entries in each of the six categories, typically introduced with a short anecdote followed by some exercises.  While I am sure the writing exercises (what she deems “action” steps) and long-term exercises (what she terms “movement”) are wonderful, I found while reading the book that I was struck by some small paragraph tucked within the anecdotal section.

In taking notes on the book, I discovered twelve passages that really seemed to speak to me and the place where I am on my own particular life journey.  It just so happens that I have about twelve more weeks left of my summer vacation before I begin another academic year.  It is my sincere desire to take one of these thought-provoking statements each week and truly meditate on how it impacts my own life.  If you would like to do the same, please feel free to join me on this summer of self-discovery.  You may come back here and leave a comment with a link to your post.

So the first statement I am going to ponder is this:

I once read of a man who went into a kindergarten class and asked how many of the kids could sing – every hand shot up immediately.  How many could dance?  Same response.  How many could paint?  Again, all hands shot up eagerly.  He then went into a college classroom and asked the same questions.   Did he get the same response?  No.  No hands went up.  What happens in those years between five and eighteen to our sense of joy and possibility and personal command of the universe?   We learn to mask ourselves…..Don’t say you can paint, because someone else might paint better than you do and people will judge.  Don’t say you can sing, because you’re no Johnny Cash.  Don’t say you can write if you’re not on the New York Times best-seller list.  (page 39-40 of the Intensity section)