Good-bye Perfectionism

In some of the non-exclusive book blogs that I read, there have been a number of posts about the new book release of The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown.  The subtitle for this book reads:  Let go of who you think you are supposed to be, and embrace who you are.  These are powerful words - easy to say incredibly difficult to live out when you are, indeed, a perfectionist.

On the author's blog last week she declared a "Perfect Protest" and asked all interested perfectionists to post  a picture of their defiance of perfectionism and how they thought they would be rewarded in the end.  It has been amazing for me to read all the posts of those who are chronic perfectionists like myself - and their resolve to give up this debilitating disease.

I have lived my entire life by the motto, "If you are going to do something, then do it right."  I strive for perfection in absolutely everything I endeavor:  my marriage - motherhood - being a teacher - a photographer - a scrapbooker - a book reviewer - a blogger....well, you get the picture.  It is absolutely exhausting AND totally unrealistic.  No one on this earth is perfect - and if that is my measurement for success, well, it is no wonder that I always feel as though I have failed.  I rarely give thought to what I "want" to do; I always live life for others.  At the age of 50, I think I have hit a brick wall.

I have not yet written a sign for the "perfect protest" - probably because I am certain the print will not be "good enough" (perfectionism) and I am not sure what size or color to use ---- but if I were to make a sign I think it might say something like:  Good-bye Perfect - Hello Joy.

I wonder how many wonderfully fun moments I have missed out in life because I was afraid that I could not do it perfectly the first time.  I loathe the word "adventure" -- why?  Because an adventure means that I am setting out to do something that I have never done before and that means that there is a very good chance that I will make a mistake - I will not do it perfectly - and I will let myself and others down in the end.  It is best, I have rationalized over the years, to just stay within the four walls of my comfort zone. 

I realized just how ridiculous this thought process has been when this past June I was forced to take a detour to arrive at my final destination:  the berry patch.  For most people a detour is a minor hindrance - a small distraction that just adds a bit of extra time to the day.  For me, however, the detour was an adventure - the opportunity to travel to an unknown area without a map or mental image of where I was going.  My palms immediately began to sweat.  I noticed that I clutched the steering wheel with all my might and my muscles began to tense. Every ten seconds I looked at the clock - thinking that I had been driving for at least several minutes.  I constantly questioned myself whether I should turn the car around and head home, or continue to the land of the unknown.  Within ten minutes time we were unloading the car and heading toward the patch.  It was truly no big deal, and I was rewarded with a bumper crop of berries that made nearly nine pints of jam, but the agony that I put myself through in that ten minute journey was ridiculous.

Photo from Silke's blog post

This caused me to wonder - What other rewards have I missed because I have made too much of a deal about the journey?  What pleasure have I by-passed because I don't know how to do it perfectly --- or --- I don't want to get messy (see  Silke's post here --- what she calls happy hands I have tried to avoid my entire life -- WHY?)

I think I am tired of living the life of perfection.  I am tired of trying to be the perfect someone while losing sight of me.  I am ready to let go.  I am ready to move on.  I am ready to embrace the future with wild abandonment (ok - maybe I am not willing to go that far yet) and do what makes me happy.  In following those desires of my heart perhaps I will find the purpose of my life lurking in a forgotten corner somewhere.  It is definitely worth a try --- what have I got to lose?